I didn’t even think about it until I logged onto Facebook and saw my friend’s anniversary pictures and remembered that she had gotten married the day after I did (the year before).
What? I didn’t think about it. Nope, it didn’t cross my mind a single time yesterday. And even today as I think about it, it doesn’t bother me a bit.
This may not seem like a big deal to you, but if you’ve ever been through a divorce after fighting for your marriage…you might understand the victory in this control (or lack thereof) of my emotions. Five years ago I would have never imagined that I could feel this way. Not even three years ago. That was when I was crying uncontrollably every day. That was when I was begging him to just talk to me about his feelings. When I was begging for a lunch date and praying that my husband, and even once he was my ex, would desire me and show it. Praying that he would join the fight for our marriage.
That was when my 135 pound frame reduced to nearly 100 pounds because I couldn’t eat. And when I cried and prayed for “sweet sleep” as my dear friend Kay Selmer called it when I talked to her about what I was going through. I usually resorted to at least one glass of wine nightly to help me relax and not think about the fact that after only a few months, and really only a few days in, my husband didn’t want me.
I later learned that there were so many deeper feelings in him, and most of it was hurt. Some of it was pride too. Some, maybe a lot, of it was my fault. And no amount of apologies or understanding or enlightenment turned things around for him.
So we divorced. Well, I did everything with no help and no words from him. I cried filing the papers. Alone. Cried in the courtroom all along hoping he would open up and stop the negative things that he was doing. He wasn’t even there. It didn’t happen so I murmured behind tears and a broken heart , “S.O. What!” and began my “So NOW what?” journey. That journey was hard, sad and lonely. Lots more tears and a roller coaster of emotions, but eventually the tears dried up. My heart was no longer hurt. I no longer had to keep repeating, “vengeance is mine thus said the Lord…vengeance is mine thus said the Lord…vengeance is mine thus said the Lord” to keep me from doing something dumb and out of character to get even.
I went from sad to angry to confused to hurt to numb. Now I’m just cool. I’m fine. And I love it.
I went from remembering the anniversary of everything like the first time we met, the time he fixed my window, the time he taught my son how to grill, that time we did this or the time he said that. Everything. Each anniversary of every little thing or that thing that reminded me of him brought so much pain and sorrow. And brought thoughts of what could have been and what I thought SHOULD have been. But wasn’t.
I plan to write all about it in my next book, but for now it just feels great to know that yesterday has come and gone. I didn’t shed a tear, feel a familiar painful twist in my heart. I didn’t even have a thought about it.
No feelings about it. And that feels great!